A Coyote's Guide
Buddhist Computer Viruses
As a public service to Buddhists who use the
Internet, I have compiled a brief description of several terrible
computer viruses. These viruses have been around for thousands of
years and remain undetectable even by the most sophisticated virus
detection systems. These are particularly frightening viruses,
since they are transmissible from machines to sentient beings and
vice versa. (I regret to say that as a result of downloading this
page, you now probably have several of these viruses.)
- THERAVĀDA TERROR
- (often packaged in a seemingly innocuous file known as
BHIKKHU.BUG): operates by giving ordination to your computer's CPU.
While relatively harmless during the morning hours, this virus has
the effect of making your computer refuse to intake or process any
hard data after noon. (Female scholars need not be concerned about
this virus, since female CPUs are not entitled to receive full
ordination.)
- MADHYAMAKA MONSTER
- systematically replaces all data on the hard drive by a bit
having a value of not 1, not 0, not both 1 and 0 and not neither 1
nor 0. The screen goes entirely blank, and whenever the operator
taps a key, an information box pops up saying, “There are no
statements in this information box.”
- VIJÑĀNAVĀDA VEXATION
- is the only known computer virus that has no effect whatsoever
on your software. It does, however, make all the hardware and
peripheral devices disappear, and convinces the software that there
is no real distinction between a computer program and the data it
processes. One extreme version of this viral scourge (also known as
SOFTWARE ONLY) has the effect of making your software believe that
it is the only software in the universe.
- VAJRAYĀNA VIRUS
- attacks the computer's BIOS, causing the screen to emit a
radiant clear light that beams directly into the operator's heart.
The computer itself sustains no damage, but the operator's mind is
transformed into mush with the inane message “The passions
themselves are enlightenment. Misinformation itself is data.” The
operator then is overwhelmed with a compulsive urge to upload
billions of gigabytes worth of graphics displays of
incomprehensible mandalas onto Web sites around the world, for the
benefit of all sentient machines.
- INDRAJĀLA INFECTION
- causes all sentient beings to be networked, all
information to be replicated, and whenever any sentient being is
removed from the network neither it nor its previous context can be
said to exist. Rumor has
it this was the by-product of a marketing slogan coined by a lama
doing contract work for Sun Microsystems, “the network is the
operator.” Once this virus has infected any machine, everything is
instantly affected, and it is no longer possible to conceive of the
universe in the absence of the virus.